I will perhaps always remember the first time I was required to do diversity training. I was not so much opposed, I thought, as not in need of it. I was after all for the second time the priest on the staff of a racially diverse congregation. My relationships were across the racial rainbow. My assistant was a gifted woman. I lived in a city where my own race was a minority. We entertained people of various races. I was sensitive.
When the subject of straight white male privilege came up, I could somewhat relate, but surely this was all a little overstated. I was born with a few cards. Was that my fault? Do I need this quilt? Because I was male I never had to struggle with acceptance in my chosen profession. But we had handled that when we ordained women, right? I could understand that my skin gave me an advantage. I grew up in the South so this one was deeply learned. I had seen that integration had not evened the field. Even to that day and this there is nothing subtle about some folks’ skin and other folks’ bias.
As to my sexuality, I had never made an issue of it for others. That was mine. I was not always comfortable speaking of it. I was always aware some people needed to perceive me one way, some the other. When my true sexuality was perceived in an accepting way the world was safer for me. Surely that gave me some points in understanding.
My growth came as my defenses lowered. The quilt trip I resented was not being asked of me. But to get past it to understanding, the scales needed to be seen and allowed to fall from my eyes. The first scale was resentment of being asked to see more deeply into a condition, white male, I did not create. The second was to accept advantage as my way of life. The third was to listen to stories of others in the room who were born without these cards in their deck and listen some more. As I listened I found deeper empathy. I was not being asked to feel sorry for anyone. Rather I was being asked to see that there were subtle ways and perhaps not so subtle ways I participated in bias. There were some ingrained learnings I did not like but they were deep if hidden.
In truth, the scales did not fall all at once, but in layers and over time.
This helps me understand both the fear in Ananias and the necessity of his responding to the prompting of the Spirit to potentially endanger himself. His Jewish roots gave him a sameness with Saul who would be Paul. His maleness would be the only speech Saul would credit as male worthy. The chancy bit would be sharing his own faith insights and process of conversion.
The vulnerability open in Saul was that he had been suddenly blinded, heard a voice from his trained bias that altered his listening. It was the voice of the One he persecuted, Jesus. The mystery for us is that he so readily accepts baptism once Ananias’ hands are laid on him in prayer. I suspect he used the name of not just God but Jesus.
The interesting bit is that the scales fall and then comes the openness to faith in Jesus. Was that because Saul was so deeply seeking God? Was is that he already understood that God can call us, intervene in our lives if we are open? Was it because one, Ananias, who had every reason to say no to coming to Saul, now stood here to care for Saul? Was it this brave moment that held Saul’s hope in its hands? That hope was to see more deeply into the mystery of God’s care.
In the moment of Jesus’ crucifixion we read today, is this willingness to see what separated the two criminals crucified with Jesus. The one that scoffs at Jesus, is he too filled with old anger, disregard, hopelessness that life for him was ever good, that he is both blind to good and resentful of it? The one that asks the favor, the favor of hope, are the scales now falling from his eyes?
"Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed have been condemned justly, for we are getting what we deserve for our deeds, but this man has done nothing wrong." Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." Luke 23:40-43
As they fall, his hope is met with care.
He replied, "Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in Paradise." Luke 23:44
As people of faith, we are always being invited to look deeper. We are being invited to see life, other’s experience of life and grow. Sometimes that growing is a gentle opening of the heart. Sometimes we must be stopped, blinded by our ignorance of the other, forced to sit and wait on their story. Always there is a promise that we can grow and see more deeply.
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