 |
| Birth of Jacob and Esau, A bit of the biblical dysfunctional family. |
From time to time I will be in a restaurant or church or at a sports event and eye a family. Often there are multiple children and a flavor of togetherness, some level of prosperity, though it need not be extreme. There is an energy in their interactions that tastes of contentment and I find myself lost for a moment. How did you become so happy? Do you know how blessed you are just now? What is it like to be in so together a place? Every now and then the vaneer cracks and I see that I have made them more perfect than they are. I am relieved they are ordinary and struggle as well with the pressures of how to relate best or better.
Once again we are invited into the murky depth of family in 2 Samuel. David is struggling with what to do, how to relate to the trauma in his own home. He may be king but he is not above humanity and our daily journey in relationship.
David’s nephew Joab, who is also a military commander under David, cares for the damage afoot in David’s home. It is laying waste David’s ability to think clearly and lead. David’s family lays divided. Perhaps had David held Amnon responsible for his violence on his half-sister all this would be moot just now. Absalom lies in hiding and perhaps stewing on his anger, his father’s inaction that brought this about. We do not know.
Joab enlists the aid of a woman to set a false case to David for his judgment, for judging cases is part of the King’s responsibility. The case is of a son who kills his brother. All the relations want revenge but this will leave the woman, who is a widow with no direct male kin to protect her or inherit her husband’s estate. David grants a reprieve to her living son and orders the protection of mother and son.
The story then turns on David. Why will he not do the same for his son Absalom? David’s heart now begins to turn toward forgiveness and protection for Absalom. Of course the sad truth is that the damage in this home is by this point deep. The inaction by David after the rape has set in and trust of his family wisdom is not deep. Absalom will never be a son at peace. David does not yet see this but the text will make it sadly known.
When Jesus is asked about the right for a man to issue a writ of divorce on his wife, as the Law of Moses allows, he criticizes the law. He notes it rises because of the defect of the human heart. He challenges this as God’s intention for marriage and the depth of care, knowing each other, the providing of care that is basic to marriage and to family. The couple has gone to God seeking blessing for this possibility and journey. That blessing is meant to bring work and permanence to the adventure ahead with all its daily tasks and responsibilities. It is important to remember in the society of Moses and of Jesus a woman with no male provider was lost. A divorced woman was all but permanently rendered provider less. Jesus ends with, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:9.
When Jesus goes on to explain adultery as the result of a divorce on both the male and female part, he is removing the escape of the male from the responsibility he had pledged himself to. The church has held this in tact as a rule of life. The point is to invite us to continue to work at our relationships and provide a stable place for children to grow up safely. Thus this teaching goes right into the scene of Jesus blessing children.
When he uses the word adultery here, I understand him to be driving home the point that deep injury, a wrenching apart of deep hope, happens when we enter a covenant and cannot or will not see it to its full potential. We need to not see this lightly even if we see it as the only way into the future. We can only seek healing as we grow more self honest.
It still begs the question, what are we to do when marriage does not provide safety or a journey that works toward wholeness? Ages past the Church said you must stick it out. Occasionally people grew and found a deeper kindness in this process, many times not.
The exception to this rule of sticking it out was when deception was at the heart of the original contract, the marriage lay unconsecrated. At times this has been narrowly defined. Today it is more broadly defined by some church traditions. There remains even in these cases the reality that care for each other and any children remains a Christian obligation.
Sometimes the relationships inside a marriage are so damaged or damaging that the only way for those who sought God’s blessing to be safe and whole is to find separation. That separation should be done with care if possible. In the case of abuse between either marriage partners or between a parent or both parents and children, this care may simply be an impossibility. Sad this may be. Sometimes holding this sadness, seeking forgiveness for one's role in it, accepting each one's responsibility as a road to a new beginning is all that is left. How well we care for any offspring may be the revelation of our heart as we seek God next best will for our lives.
This is at least one man’s thoughts on the complexity of life, love, marriage and family. May it be honest before God.
No comments:
Post a Comment