Twelfth Monday after Pentecost, Proper 14, Better a Millstone than a Rape

The Rape of Tamar

Eustache Le Sueur  (French, Paris 1616–1655 Paris)

Lessons: Psalm 89:1-18; 2 Samuel 13:23-39; Acts 20:17-38; Mark 9:42-50

There are stories a pastor holds in his/her heart that forever trouble.  People invite us into places we do not always wish to travel.  Some of us go there with care and help.  Others cannot or will not.  One of those troubling places is deeply connected to 2 Samuel 13, the rape of a sister, Tamar, by her half-brother, Amnon; and how Tamar’s full brother, Absalom, plots and takes revenge.  It is a disturbing tale to read and yet it is a gift that it is told in holy writ.  To see how far back humanity identified this issue and its damage, to learn what it has visited on the innocence of Tamar, that she is forever “damaged goods,” is good for us to have to hold in our awareness. The reality is she might well have been only thirteen given how early girls were given in marriage. Sexual crimes always damage and they damage whole families and thus all society.  There is a ripple effect.

In this story we see the damage done to Tamar.  Her innocent goodness to an ill brother becomes the occasion of his meditated and planned abuse of her.  Innocence gone, her sense of a safe place gone, marriage prospects gone or damaged, and a dark secret left in its place. Her brother, Absalom, is also damaged by the anger he bears.  And today the revenge he plots will wreak havoc on his family.  It all comes at the choice to overlook a simple but clear norm.  There is a family love that is safe only as long as sexual expression is limited to those married, covenanted to each other’s well-being.  This expression is for the up-building of both parties, though this is a rather modern understanding.

The statistics are available on where and how often young people are sexually abused, which is broader than rape.  It is hard to get a clear picture of how often there is rape between immediate family members. One statistic is 1 in 6 women report attempted or completed rape, 1 in 33 males. Another is 15% of such victims are under age twelve and 29% are under 17. Another is that 34.2% of attackers were family members in the case of juvenile and altogether 93% of juvenile assault victims know their attackers.

The sad reality is that Victims of sexual assault are:

3 times more likely to suffer from depression.

6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.

26 times more likely to abuse drugs.

4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.

In other words some moment of misguided “affection” or lust is filled with damage that ripples out.  There are other statistics on how likely it is that an abused person is likely to become an abuser if no one helps them digest and begin to heal the fundamental betrayal.

So what does all this mean to our faith?  Sadly some who have suffered this journey lose God because they lose the ability to trust care deep within.  Yet, others retreat to God who alone they hope will help them grow safe.  We who have not been sexually assaulted in family, our first line of safe haven, do well to listen and take seriously such stories that are shared with us. Those who have been so treated will perhaps already take such revelations as possible and true. Listening is key and listening well.  Seek then to create a safe haven in our heart/mind.  Seek help for the one who has come to us not as a “get it off my plate” action, but from a “what is best for you now” approach.  If we hear this from a child, then actions of protection are also key. Yet also remember for children there is great insecurity of who will care for them if not their family.  If the story comes from an adult, belief and emotional support and a sense of self worth returned is key.  If all this is beyond your competence then seek someone who is competent, with the victim’s consent, if possible. If the victim is angry with God remember God is large and not offended and may be in the anger. Pray for guidance as you listen.

Truly Jesus was right when he spoke, “If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were hung around your neck and you were thrown into the sea.” Mark 9:42

Better the millstone around the neck of an adult then smashing the heart of the child, either the child in age or the inner child of some adult brave enough to share their damaging journey.