He was a challenge to me at first as I sat in my early Al Anon meetings. I will call him James. He did have a warm smile, too long hair for its thinness, was portly as a man in his 60’s can be. His manner of dress showed he was wearing out too much wardrobe rather than buying new items. He wore beads always. I guess in truth I judged him in the way we do when we try to suspend judgment but it raises its nagging voice anyway. James had every right to be here as did I but he personified the male my father, whose actions qualified me for this meeting, disliked or was afraid of. In the round robin, he always took his 2 minutes and spoke so gently.
Then one day he explained the beads which differed week to week like some ancient woman who never gave away her costume jewelry. They were his freedom. Always effeminate, he had suffered great ridicule as soft men often do. This was not going to change. One day he decided since he loved beads he would wear them as a sign he was as he was, take him or leave him.
As he stopped drinking and came to terms with the effect of his parents’ and partner’s drinking on his own habits he began to notice that people who liked him actually gave him beads. The beads became his sign of healing his life and awareness. They were conversation points that allowed him a way out of his shyness. The gift of more came from people he did not have to please.
An Al Anonic often strives to give up people pleasing as a driving force in life. The beads said, “Here I am. Take me honestly and look deeper if you care. Do not change me. I am healing my own heart. Help if you like, enjoy if you like. Judge at your exclusion from my life.” After that I understood the vitality of him and of those beads.
In the Gospel today is a woman who cares deeply for her child. She is in this way a good mother if one in pain. She comes to Jesus as we learn.
“A woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit immediately heard about him, and she came and bowed down at his feet. Now the woman was a Gentile, of Syrophoenician origin. She begged him to cast the demon out of her daughter. Mark 7:25-26.
She seems to us like so many who have come to Jesus. Yet she stands out in that she is not Jewish and Mark makes it clear he is now focused on the house of Israel.
He said to her, “Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to the dogs.” Mark 7:27
I do not like Jesus just now. But she is wiser. She persists. She comes as she comes, an outsider. She grasps her choker, her identity and his articulated view of her and says:
“Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs.” Mark 7:28
I so respect her just now. She is a mother above all else and will not be dissuaded from her purpose. She says in effect, “If there is a God in Israel and if he has sent you, I claim a need and I know you can respond. Respond then.”
“Then he said to her, 'For saying that, you may go-the demon has left your daughter.' So she went home, found the child lying on the bed, and the demon gone.” Mark 7:29-30
Does she change Jesus here as any insight is meant to change us all? This is the effect of God on us. When we are in our self understanding and it blocks another out and that other stands before us in need or in full self honor and truth, we either pick up on God’s universal care or we do not. We either are part of God’s healing flow or not. One choice diminishes us; the other enlarges us and may enlarge us both. We choose and live in our choice. I identify with Jesus’ humanity now, awakening to his truer self, his God-bearing self.
One of the truths of Twelve Step work is that we rely on God or our Higher Power as we understand that. We realize we are at sea without this aid. One opens to the flow of this power both through each other and in our private/public moments of life. For me that is God in Jesus and beyond.
I needed James but it was a time before I understood that. James helped me suspend my judgment and no longer colleague with my inner father, my too judgmental self. His even so firm gentleness changed me in a moment and has worked on me ever since. When I see someone fingering their beads, I wonder what strength they bestow that I know nothing about. I sometimes finger my own “bead place”, my neck and understand I too deserve to be and be whole. I claim it.
And what of you? Where do you touch as if it is God’s touch, your claim on God in Jesus? Where is your, “Take me as I am.” “Heal me by your kind care.” In Jesus’ eyes you are worth it.
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